One of my biggest flaws is the inability to handle my finances. I wish I had the control and passion to save like my friends.

Lately when I go out with friends, I feel like I'm spending way too much on their account. We go karaoke, they order alcohol which I don't drink a drop of, and yet I still pay an equal share of the entire bill.

I also don't mean to bring sex into this, but when I am constantly the one treating a guy to food, I feel a bit...taken advantage of I guess.

In conclusion, I'm going to avoid going out with friends for a while.

Monday night, I prayed. I put all my bad habits, flaws, horrible and hurtful thoughts out in front of God and asked Him to lift this curse from me. I remember falling asleep and not finishing my prayer.

On Tuesday, I hung out with Chan and whenever he kept mentioning or talking about "her", I felt more and more depressed. I wanted to just go home and hide. Luckily, he decided to drop me off early.

I went to Alice's house a little later to join her for dinner. Girl's nights are great! :) After a few hours, I decided to head home around 9:30pm or so.

While I was driving home, I called my dad. I asked if he could help me out to pay for my state taxes, since the due date was coming up so close. In a disappointed tone, he asked me why I kept doing nothing all the time and wasn't starting cosmetology school sooner. I didn't know how to answer him but to tell him I made plans beforehand this summer. He decided to just not help me out with any extra money except to pay for cosmetology school. I guess I could've seen it coming.

Hearing that made me feel as if I was completely helpless and there was nothing else in store for me in life. I really didn't want to go on and started to think about what the least painful ways to die would be.

When I got home, I found the internet wasn't working, so I tried to think of what I should do. I mainly wanted internet access to research up on common painless suicides.

Then suddenly, I heard my phone ring. I looked at the caller i.d. and saw that it was a friend I haven't seen in a while. He asked me if I wanted to go hiking or do something active this weekend. Then I thought to myself, "You know what? That sounds great!". We talked for about an hour and it took my mind off of the things I was thinking before.

After his phone call came another friend's phone call. An old friend from church. She called just to say hi and see if I wanted to hang out the next day. I asked her if I could spend the night because I wanted to escape from my gloomy house. So I packed up my things and headed over to her place.

It seemed as if I was in a completely different world when I woke up the next morning. Most of the bad things that happened in the recent past felt only like a dream and I felt my shoulders being a lot lighter than before. It was like I was able to start over.

I believe there is a God and no matter what hardships or painful times I go through, I'll never stop believing. It amazed me how these things happened. I really feel so grateful and blessed, like I've been given another chance to start fresh.

I've been having a lot of restless nights lately. Thinking about too many stupid things.

Oh why oh why did I have to be one of the few Asian females to be fat most of her life? This is such a curse on my life. All I want in life is to be small like the other girls. Not that I want to be a clone or anything.

BDD really sucks. I can't function while working a normal job, function in school, or even have a normal social life. Though I want to just let it all go and be happy, I have so much bitterness and jealousy built up and it makes me look like such a bitch or a negative person.

But do I really have BDD? The features I see are not exaggerated, nor are they imagined out of nowhere. I see the flaws in pictures instead of just reflections. My friends admit that they see what I see too. So is this BDD or am I just actually ugly? I think it's the latter.

Negative things people say about me are the only things I can really remember and they replay in my head.

"Because a fat chick is standing in the way!" *laughs out loud*

"Don't worry about your stomach. Once you have enough, you can get that tummy tuck you want."

"Yeah, you're not attractive looking."

"Ew you're fat!"

"Why can't you just hurry up and lose weight?!"

"Why are you so fat?"

"What kind of exercise did you do today? How many miles did you run and for how long?"

"Don't eat, you'll get fat."

"Oh, this is a bad picture. Let me take another one." *click* "Ah, this is also bad. One more!" *click* "Erm..."

( yum )

So, my new goal right now is to lose 20 more pounds...I don't care what people say! I want to do it! I know for sure though that I will not be stick skinny even then. My body fat percentage is pretty high. Even at a whopping 142lbs, I am still large. I am a size 11. The smallest size I've ever been in my life. My ultimate goal is size 6. That's around 34" hips...I think.

Measurements now?

38-31-39 Bad. Bad. Bad.

I've come a long way, but not far enough. However, I'm determined to do this and hopefully by this summer.

Small goals:
138lbs. by May 14th

133lbs. by May 28th

When I see the 130's, I will be in heaven. I have never seen the 130's since I was....9 years old.

I'm in California right now...but I've been homesick ever since Chan dropped me off at the airport. I wish I could stop buying things on impulse and think about the future more.

About two more weeks left here. Planning to stay at my friend Mitch's house the rest of this week. I think I'll be able to upload pics that I took and then I will be staying with my GIRL friend Quynh for the weekend *_*

Then I stay at Steve's, Tommy's, and lastly, with Josh. @_@

Anyway, I went to the Thai Festival yesterday with Mitch in Thai Town. It was very similar to the Cherry Blossom Festival, only no trees and it's Thai themed, haha. There were dance performances, singing, muay thai boxing, and even Miss Thailand was there and she was my height :3 Some big fat drunk got so drunk at the Singha Beer section, he decided to vomit all over himself and laughed as people around him cheered him on. Man, people love that beer I guess o_o;

Mitch took his pet sugar glider around the festival, and every couple of steps he was stopped by hot chicks going "awwwwww what is that?! I want one! It's so cute!" Hahaha animals are such chick magnets...

ANYWAY, uhh...I'll update again once I can get more pics on here.

I'm going to LA today. I have absolutely no idea exactly what I'm going to do, but I do hope I have fun. Not too excited though. I feel like I have a lot to do at home and I'm just wasting time by going to California NOW. Oh wellz...I'll try to make the best of it though...

Bai guys =(

Today I went to a concert/event at MC(MK hur hur~). It was really fun and I got to see my friend's bf Jordan play in his band. Ahhh I hope they can get famous one day and I want to help design their look! ^^

Okay. Pic of the day.

Lately, I've been getting so discouraged. Whenever I feel confident about something such as sewing or drawing, I try my best to really do a good job, but it ends up being very messy and uneven. Then I get into a mode where I have no motivation to do anything. Then I recover, and it starts all over again. Regardless, I get nowhere. I mean I have a little bit of artistic talent, but it's never good enough and seems like it will never progress to any professional level of any sort. Sewing? Nope. Drawing manga? Nope. Illustrating anything? No way.

Man I feel so useless. I'm not even good in school. So what am I really supposed to do with my life?

On a more positive note:

I took pictures of my new room. It's much bigger and it's actually COZY. I really hated the entire layout of my old room. It looked like a shack.

Today I visited Bonnie at College Park! We had avocado smoothies(I love you Viets for inventing that) and other snacks! Yayyy I love hangin' with her. She always knows how to brighten the mood.

Man, I don't know what to cosplay. So many cosplays I want to do, but don't know which one to do first. I have been wanting to do DBZ for quite some time. Probably Videl? I actually have been wanting to cosplay as Bulma from this pic:

HAHA I love this pic:


Hate the pink bg though...

So anyway, list of future cosplays I want to do:

Bulma - DBZ
Videl - DBZ
Quon Kisaragi - RahXephon
Sheryl Nome - Macross Frontier
Kasumi - DOA
Kaname Chidori - Full Metal Panic!
Kawashima Ami - Toradora!

Wow...big list. I hope I can still make it to Anime Next though.

Arghh being fat sucks. I am stuck in the 140's *sigh*....I wonder how many compliments I'd get if I lost weight the unhealthy way and no one knew, but I looked great regardless. I know it's bad and I'm not going to do it so don't worry. I love food too much. It is impossible for fat people to starve themselves. We have an eating disorder of our own where we eat too much instead. That's what makes us fat, DUHH. But still...the FACT of getting good compliments even if I lose weight in an unhealthy manner makes me want to cry.